Underneath This Skin
by ObsessiveCompulsiveValkyrie
Summary: Trapped in a world of despair, her freedom finally comes and opens her to a world of pain and unrest. How can she move on after all she's lost? Happy birthday, Valentine's Ninja! Lightning/Warrior, Lightning/Kain. Rated M!
1. Chapter 1: Way Down

It's that time again! Happy birthday, Valentine's Ninja! I know, I know… I should avoid the multichaps, but I swear I'll finish this one before I lose complete interest in the fandom/pairing! I do have three of the six planned chapters complete, so we'll see how long it takes me XD The rating may drop, depending on how I feel like writing, but for now we'll keep it at an M.

This fic was written by request of the birthday girl, given the prompt of using the Evanescence song, _Swimming Home._ I'm actually quite pleased with what I came up with, and I hope you are, too!

Everyone, please enjoy and don't forget to review!

Dissidia Final Fantasy and Evanescence are copyrights of their prospective owners. I own nothing but this interpretation of the lyrics.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Underneath This Skin<br>**_**Chapter One: Way Down**

...

Starlit darkness. It's all I've known for the past eternity. The timeless space has been my home for so long, I can't even remember. Since I was thrown from my own mind. There's nothing here. Just endless cosmos. A sunlit galaxy forms out in the distance, but no matter how much I try to swim towards it, it never gets closer.

I don't know how long I've been here. Insanity must feel something like this. Just empty swimming through vast space. No food or drink is needed. I survive on my own in this place. Doing nothing and needing nothing.

Except…

I want to go home.

I want to go back to my life. This shouldn't have happened. I was supposed to be at home, living my life with him…

Kain.

Only the slightest fragments of our life together remain. Everything else has been lost to this insanity around me. I remember his face and his smile. I remember when we first met after high school. I was working as a waitress in the town's hotspot bar and grill. He had come in once with friends, then returned every day after until I accepted his offer to go out with him.

I remember bits of the day we moved in together. Blurred images of our wedding cling to my mind, too. I remember being scared out of my mind, and my sister trying to calm me down. My sister… I can't even remember her name. Her face is clear, but her name… Why can't I remember?

Then was… I remember the smiling face of our infant son. He was so adorable. Kain said he looked more like me than him. He had my eyes, I know.

Floating in the emptiness, I curl into the fetal position, trying to stop the impending tears. I don't want to cry and feel helpless. I want to go home. Return to my husband and son. I don't want to be here, trapped in my own darkness.

I want to be free to live my life.

"_Lightning…"_

What? My head snaps up to look for the voice. There, straight up… There's a hand reaching out to me. I don't know whose voice that is, but I don't care. If it can help me get home…

I shift, moving to swim up to the hand. There's only as much as the person's forearm visible. The rest of them is cloaked in the shadows of this hell. But I don't care. If I can get out of here…

I grab the hand, taking a tight grip. Take me home, please…

"_Thank you, Lightning."_

I'm swimming home. I'm getting out of here.

…

"Lightning! Wake up!"

My eyes open and meet with violet eyes and blond hair. "Kain?"

A chuckle sounds, throaty and humored. "Light, were you lost on the before again?"

My eyes snap open, the purple before me fading to brown and the blond reverting to silver. "What? What are you…?" I shake my head. "_Who_ are you?"

The guy laughs, shaking his head. "Seriously, Light. Get up. The others are waiting on you."

I jump to sit up and reach out to grab his arm. "Who the hell are you?"

"Light, this joke only goes so far."

I narrow my eyes at him. "Do I look like I'm joking?"

He cocks his head, studying me. "What happened to you?"

"I'd like to know the same. Last I remember…" I was trapped in nothingness.

"I'm sorry, Firion. Forget I said anything." Wait, that was my voice and my mouth saying that, but that wasn't me! I don't know any Firion! I don't know where I am! What the hell is happening?

The guy, Firion, watches me curiously. "Are you sure you're all right, Light?"

"Of course. Can I get dressed now?" That still wasn't me. There's something using my voice!

He nods and turns to walk out the door of the rundown room. Where am I?

"_I woke you up because I thought you wouldn't be a problem. Continue to interfere, and I'll put you back where you were without a thought."_

What…? "What are you talking about? Who are you?"

"_Don't make a bigger fool of yourself than necessary. I can hear your thoughts."_

Fine. Who are you? Where am I?

"_I am Odin, the owner of this flesh. You'll answer to me, understand, girl?"_

No. You're not… I'm Lightning! I'm the one who lived this life! I'm married! I have a son!

"_Not any longer, you don't. Lest you forget, you've been locked away for six years. This flesh has been mine since."_

Six… Six years…? I was trapped in that world for _six years_? How… What happened to Kain? And Dullan?

"_How would I know? I haven't seen them in almost as long as you."_

You… You fucking bastard! What the hell did you do to my life?

"_I made good use of it. You were simply frolicking in the mindless gaps of despair. You were reaching out for adventure. You fought with me at first, so I had little choice but to seal you away. Now, if you'll continue with the folly of thinking you'll oppose me, then I'll have little choice but to seal you away again."_

I'm still pissed with this... whatever, but I have to stay calm. Fine. Can you at least tell me where I am now?

"_We are in the home of those also bonded with beings like myself. The one you met before, Firion, has bonded with Ifrit."_

How many are there?

"_Several. You'll meet them."_

I have one more question.

He sighs in exasperation. _"And that is?"_

Why me?

"_I told you. You called out for help, so I came."_

No, I didn't. I was happy with my life. I was happy in my marriage. Yes, times were tough, but I loved my family! What right did you have to take my body from me and do what you wanted with it?

"_Every right. You were not reaching your utmost potential. Someone had to help you get there."_

Why… Why did this happen to me…?

I'm sorry, Kain.

I'm so sorry.

"_Now, we'd best be moving. The others will become suspicious if we're not out there soon."_

Don't they stop to talk to their hosts now and then?

"_Yes, but they have an easier time of it."_

Why? Did they seal their host away until they were obedient, too?

Silence.

Hey, Odin! Answer me!

"_We'd best hurry."_

Fine. You go. You can control my body, can't you?

"_Indeed."_

God, it's a foreign feeling when your body starts moving without you telling it to. I'm not trying to walk anywhere, but my body is still going towards that door. This is so weird… It's like a déjà vu, or a phantom feeling. I can't explain it.

Then my hand reaches out and pushes the door open. Several people look up, including one lavender-haired girl who snorts a short, "'Bout time."

My chin nods and my voice says, "Morning, Prishe. How long was I out?"

A presence moves up behind me, and I have no clue how I knew that. Hands grip my wrists, clenching with strength beyond human. "What?" I mutter, speaking with my own voice out of surprise.

A masculine voice sounds, coming from the person holding me down, "Tell me, Lightning, why so late?"

Odin, is this group always so harsh about sleeping in?

…Odin?

The same voice speaks, "I've sealed him. Now, I want you to tell me without his influence. Why are you so late?"

The grip on my wrists tightens and I fight back a yelp of pain. "I was… Odin and I were talking."

A brunette girl stands from a beaten and worn couch and walks in front of me. "While you slept?"

"N-no… I…" For god's sake… "Do you have to hold me so tight? That fucking hurts!"

"Apologies, Lightning." The hands let go and I turn to see who was holding me while rubbing my wrists. The guy has long, silver hair, falling into a messy mane around his shoulders. He wears a black coat that settles loosely around his apparently muscular figure and settles his hand on his hip before prompting, "Well?"

"I…" My eyes look over the room, taking in all the eyes watching me. There has to be at least fifteen people here, all curious to see what I'll say. "I have no idea."

All eyebrows go up and the silver-haired guy who grabbed me says, "Explain?"

"I have no idea where I am, or who any of you are. The last thing I remember is being back in my home with my husb-"

He raises his hand to cut me off. "We don't discuss the before. All we have is what's now. Tell me," he says, locking his eyes onto mine. "Where were you yesterday?"

It feels like he's physically reaching inside me and searching for the answer. A form of resistance that I can only assume is Odin starts pushing against the back of my mind, fighting for control again. The guy's found what he wants, and pulls it out in the form of my voice. "I was lost in my own mind, trapped in empty space."

His perfect eyebrows narrow under his bushy bangs and he snarls, "Odin…!"

Several of the others stand, watching to see what their apparent leader will do. I lean away from him, not entirely sure what's going on. "I don't understand…"

That same brunette that spoke earlier says, "It's taboo for an Eidolon to force the human host out of their body. It's a form of spiritual mutilation that we don't stand for."

The leader turns away, touching his hand to his brow and starts muttering under his breath. I assume he's conversing with his monster in his head. He looks like he's insane, waving his hand in detached thought and mumbling to himself while his eyes stay in contact with the floor.

Finally, he turns around and locks his eyes onto mine. "Bahamut and I have reached an agreement. Odin will be allowed to remain with you, but he'll be removed temporarily to allow for reconditioning. As Yuna said, to entrap the host is a highly forbidden taboo. It's not something we take kindly."

I nod slowly. "I still don't understand most of what's happening. All I remember is massive headaches, then whispers, then nothing but empty space."

The leader nods. "I understand. Odin has crossed a severe line in forcing you to become his host. While he is away for his repairs, we will do our best to make sure you're settled."

…Repairs? What are these things, machines? "Uh, thanks."

"First, Bahamut and I will remove him and send him away. At your ready."

Uh, sure? I nod. "I guess. Whenever."

He leaps forward in a sudden pounce and presses his hand to my chest, just over my heart. Then his fingers curl, digging into my skin and ripping at my flesh. God, this hurts… What the hell? Finally, he pulls away, tearing away with a wide sweep of his arm. His fingers are soaked in blood, the droplets dripping to the old wood floor in a steady rhythm. I glance down, looking at the old t-shirt with a hole torn into it and blood staining the area.

He nods, one of the guys on the couch taking a cue and tossing a blanket to me to cover myself until I can get a new shirt. "Odin has been removed. He will be sent off for his reconditioning. For now, introductions. I am the leader of this group. Bahamut is my Eidolon, bonded to me since a young age. If you need anything, just address us as Bahamut. You'll get both of our attention."

I pull the blanket around me to cover the bloody hole in my shirt. "I guess you all know me, but I feel better introducing myself. I'm Lightning."

The brunette girl slides forward. "I'm Yuna, and my Eidolon is Shiva."

The guy who tossed me the blanket, a guy with blond hair and bright blue eyes, says, "I'm Tidus. Leviathan's my Eidolon."

The guy next to him sat with his legs crossed and his head bowed, mostly ignoring everyone else, murmurs, "Squall and the Demon Wall."

They go around the room, offering their introductions. They're all nice people, but I want… I want to see Kain again. They said they don't talk about the 'before'… I wonder what they mean by that? Were they all taken from other lives? Did they have families and friends before bonding and then just walk away when they met their Eidolons?

What does all of this mean?

…

Three days later, I've been settling in with my 'family.' Apparently, all of the bonded ones in this dump think of each other as family. I'm stuck in this life, whether I like it or not. I'm sitting in the kitchen with my new friend, Tifa, also known as Asura, her Eidolon. She's a nice enough girl, and, apparently, my roommate. She's been helping me with learning what's going on and how to cope.

I noticed my wedding ring is missing, and I don't like that one bit. My memories have been returning bit by bit. I remember more. I remember more of the times I spent with Kain. More of our dates before marriage, the day he proposed, the day I found out I was pregnant… I hate being stuck here.

A hand settles on my arm and I turn to see Tifa standing there with a light smile. "Hey, Lightning, I know it's hard, but don't fight it. We don't talk about the before because there's nothing we can do about it. Almost all of us here have faked our deaths or left our loved ones in less-than-honorable ways, but we have to go on. We can't sit here, stuck in the past forever."

I nod slowly, standing in the surprisingly nice kitchen for the dump that's become my home. It's an abandoned, marked for demolition private office building. I don't know who or how long ago, but one of my new friends 'convinced' the government to leave the building up. I guess one of them has magic powers to press new ideas into others and they saved this building for our home. There are seventeen of us in all, and two per room with Bahamut in his own. Each room combo has to cook dinner once a week, with one getting a week off periodically and, of course, Bahamut never having to.

Supposedly, our leader has more important things to do. I still have no clue as to what, but I've gathered that the others all look up to him out of a combination of respect and fear. I think, but I'm not certain, that he's the only one that can draw out an Eidolon like he did to me.

Back when this building was a business, the kitchen was the break room. It's been upgraded, so we have decent appliances and, well, a stove that probably wasn't in the break room. Otherwise, I've only been in the main room and my bedroom. The place isn't grand, but it's not all bad. Today, it's mine and Tifa's turn to cook.

She smiles at me from where she's slapping hamburger patties into round shapes. "I know your coming here was little different than the rest of ours, but I'm sure you'll settle in soon enough."

I nod again, absently chopping vegetables for the biggest salad I've ever made. "I can't help but wonder about 'the before.' I was pulled from mine without a choice. How did Odin take me from the ones I cared about? Do they hate me? Are they okay?"

"I don't-"

"I'll take it from here, Tifa."

I look up to find the leader, Bahamut, I guess, standing in the doorway. He nods and holds his hand out towards me, beckoning me to come closer. I walk over, but don't take the gesture. He offers a slight smile, then glances back towards Tifa. "I'll ask Cloud and Laguna to come and help you. It's their week off, but I hope they won't mind too much."

She nods with a smile. "Thanks, Bahamut."

His chin dips in affirmation. "Lightning? If you will?" he says, gesturing down the hall.

I walk out, then turn and wait for him to lead the way. He heads out towards the main room and stops just in the doorway, saying, "Cloud, Laguna, Titan, Atomos? Would you be so kind as to assist Tifa with dinner tonight? Lightning wanted to talk to me for a bit."

The two men nod and stand, the older man—well into his forties, I figure—doing so with a lot more jubilance. The other is about Tifa's age of twenty-three. I think she said Cloud was a year older than her, putting him at twenty-four. According to Prishe, who's been in the group for quite awhile, I was under Odin's control for six years. That would make me twenty-nine now.

From what I can tell, Prishe is the oldest besides Laguna and Jecht. She's married to Bartz, who bonded to Syldra and joined about three years after Prishe. I'd guess they're both about my age, give or take. Firion, Vaan, Terra, Luneth, Zidane, and Yuna look like they're still teens. Tidus, Squall, and Cecil all look like early twenties. Tidus looks like he's a teen, but he told me he's twenty. Jecht is his father, apparently, and like an uncle to Yuna. Tidus and Yuna are involved with each other, and I'm pretty sure both Vaan and Luneth have crushes on Terra.

So cute.

As for our fearless leader, I figure he's about my age, too. I sigh and turn to follow after him as he walks back towards the back of the building where his room is. I think his room was the executive office, so he has something of a meeting room that everyone's been in, then a room behind that where he sleeps. He keeps his hands in the pockets of his long coat, only taking one out to open the door and let me in first. Such the gentleman.

I walk in and sit down in one of the plush chairs on the other side of his desk. I have no idea where these guys got all this furniture and whether or not they paid for it. As far as I can tell, they don't do jobs or anything. I've heard talk of 'night missions,' but I haven't gotten the details on that.

He walks around the mahogany desk and sits in the chair behind it. "You want to talk, right?"

I shake my head. "No. I _need_ to talk. Everyone here is all, 'don't dwell on the before!' But I can't do that. I didn't choose to come here. I was forced. I need to know where my family is."

He nods once and says, "If you tell me their names, I can track them and tell you where they are now. I can't let you go speak with them, but I can tell you if they're well."

"I'd appreciate that. My husband's name is Kain Highwind, and our son is Dullan Highwind."

He stands and walks back around his desk, stopping right in front of me and raises his hands over my head. His eyes close and his head leans back slightly as he focuses. A minute passes in silence and, finally, his hands drop back to his sides and find their way back to his pockets. "I've seen them. Your husband, Kain, is a tall man of long blond hair, yes? And your son has his coloring, except for your eyes?"

I nod. "Yeah. How… How are they?"

"They are well. The image I saw placed them at an ice cream parlor. Your husband was wearing a suit. It looked as though he just got off from work. Then…" He looks away, turning to stare out the boarded over window. "I don't know how you'll handle this."

I suck in a breath. "Just tell me."

"As you wish," he says with a nod. "A woman joined them, and greeted your husband with a kiss. Your son looked happy to see her, and I can only assume they know each other well."

"I see." What do I think of this? Kain… Kain moved on. Dullan has a new mother. Six years have passed while I was trapped in my own mind, lost in a dark realm of complete emptiness. I… "Do you know how Odin separated me from my family?"

He leans back against the desk, shifting to cross his arms in front of him. "How do you mean?"

"Do you know if he just up and left them, or faked my death, or…?"

He shakes his head. "I am sorry. I do not know."

"Will Odin still know when he comes back?"

His head shakes again. "No. His memories will be removed."

"I see. Then… Then I guess I'll be glad." I take a deep breath, fighting the tears pricking at my eyes. "Glad that Kain can be happy, and Dullan has a mother figure in his life."

He nods. "Did you wish to discuss this further? Though I don't like for anyone here to live in the before, I am sure you'll take time to mend your wounds. If you wish to talk, I would rather it was to me and not to an outsider. I hope you'll trust me enough to tell me what's on your mind."

I nod and stand. "Thanks, but I think I'm okay for now. 'Scuse me. I… I need to be alone for a bit."

"Take your time."

I move for the door, biting back the tears. Kain… Kain's happy. That's what matters, right? It's been six years. I can't expect him to still be waiting, especially since he's had to raise Dullan all alone. He deserves someone who'll treat them both well, not a crazy woman who lives in her own mind and has voices of a magical being passing through her head.

He deserves better.

…

Prishe watched as Lightning left Bahamut's office and slowly crossed the hall before knocking. A murmured sound of acknowledgement sounded, giving her all the cue she needed to enter. She walked inside and dropped down to one of the chairs in the room, presumably the one Lightning had just left, given that the leader was staring blankly at it.

She sighed and leaned back. "Don't bother explaining. I heard the whole thing," she mumbled, tapping one of her large ears with one finger. "Did you really see that?"

He gave a slight snort and pushed himself off from where he leaned on the heavy wooden desk before moving around to sit in the chair behind it. "Of course not. It's just a fantasy to play into her mind to make her let go of the past. If she knows her family is well, she won't feel as pressed to see them again."

She nodded and said, "I know. But was the mention of the girlfriend necessary?"

He shook his head. "Not entirely, no, but it will offer her the peace that he's moved on, and leave her with the knowledge that she needs to stay here."

Prishe leaned back comfortably, folding her hands in front of her and shooting him a skeptical look. "And the decision to add this non-existent woman wasn't fueled at all by jealousy, was it?"

He sighed and dropped down to lay on his folded arms. His muffled voice sounded from where he lay, saying, "Does anyone else know?"

"Look, Bahmy, it may not have been the real Lightning here with us, but she's been here for the past six years and you, my friend, have been awfully engrossed with her."

He sat up again and leaned back. "I can't help it. Even knowing that the Lightning we knew was false, and now meeting her true personality… I'm falling in love with her all over again."

She grinned. "Play it cool, tiger. She's still recovering from her relationship in the before."

"I know, Prishe. But… You know I can't… I'm not…"

* * *

><p>There we have chapter one! Let me know what you think!<p>

Please review!

-Valk


	2. Chapter 2: Nothing Can Hold Me

Hello! Welcome to chapter two! This is the only other one I have complete at the moment, so it might just be a little while before the next one is posted. I just wanted to throw that out there so all of you know.

That being said, many thanks to **Poisonberries, Valentine's Ninja, TheShhTiger, Cecil Kain Cerberus, saltedpin,** and** Dark Rage195** for their reviews!

Here we go with chapter two!

* * *

><p><em><strong>Underneath This Skin<br>**_**Chapter Two: Nothing Can Hold Me**

...

"Hey, Lightning. I brought you some dinner."

I lay on my side, staring at the wall beside my bed. I've been here since I spoke with Bahamut, staring at that same chipped spot of paint on the wall. "I'm not hungry, thanks."

Tifa walks over and sits on the bed behind me, setting her hand on my shoulder supportively. "Lightning…"

It hurts… It hurts so much. Kain was the anchor that made me want to come back. He's what made me cling to reality, and now that I'm back, I find out he moved on a long time ago. How does one recover from that? "Tifa, why is Bahamut such an ass over the before subject?"

She sighs and reaches around me to set a plate with a hamburger and a small salad on the bed in front of me. "Because he's sure that our pasts can only interfere with what we have to do now."

I turn slightly to glance at her. "Which is?"

She smiles and rubs my shoulder soothingly. "You'll find out when Odin's back. It's not safe if you don't have your Eidolon."

I'll just ignore that for now. I have other things on my mind. "But if the Eidolon can be taken out of someone, can't one of you just wipe my memories of your set-up and let me go on my way?"

She shakes her head slowly. "Once bonded with an Eidolon, your life will never be your own again. Even if Bahamut did erase your memories, you'd be left searching for something you can never find. It's like a piece of your soul was ripped from you, and you'll never feel complete until it's returned."

"I already feel that way." I sit up and turn to look at her. "Tell me, Tifa, and don't be dodgy with that before crap. Do you have any kids?"

She inhales a deep breath, then slowly shakes her head. "I've been here since I was fourteen. No kids."

I lean closer to her and set my hand on her shoulder to make her eyes meet mine. "Well, let me tell you, when your child is taken from you with no choice on your part, it hurts. It hurts like someone reached into your chest, ripped out your heart, stomped on it until it failed to even resemble a heart, then jammed it back inside. It hurts in a way that you can't ever know unless you experience it."

She looks down, averting her eyes, and whispers, "I'm sorry, Lightning. There's nothing I can do for you."

"Then, please, leave me alone so I can figure this out."

She nods slowly and stands, turning slightly to add, "Please eat something."

Maybe later. I'm not hungry.

…

I glance up as a knock sounds on the door to my room. It's not Tifa, because she just knocks and then walks in if I don't say anything. I sigh and call out, "Come in!"

The door opens and our leader walks in, holding a tray with a plate of some toast and a glass of juice. His eyes soften slightly when he makes eye contact, but then harden almost immediately again. He holds the tray out to me, saying, "Tifa tells me you haven't been eating much."

It's been almost two weeks since I first woke up to this life, and I've been too busy trying to figure out what this means for my old life to care about trifles like eating. I turn away and cross my arms, facing the wall by the head of my bed. "I'm not hungry."

Thankfully, unlike Tifa, he drops the subject after setting the food on the bed beside me. Taking up a seat on the edge of Tifa's bed, he keeps his hands buried in the pockets of his coat and says, "I want to apologize. I know it may not mean much in the grand scheme of things, but the fact that you're here is my fault. If I had paid closer attention to Odin, his berserking nature would have been caught and he would have been sent off before you were trapped. So, I'm sorry."

The notion is nice, but… "Thanks, but it doesn't change that I'm still stuck here like some kind of prisoner."

He nods once. "I may not be able to empathize, but I do sympathize. I know it doesn't mean much yet, but once your Eidolon is returned to you, you'll feel much better; more involved. Speaking of, Odin should be back within the next week or so."

"That so?" I mumble, bringing my legs up against my chest. Everyone here had the choice to bond. They weren't forced from their lives. They didn't have this pain, at least not the same pain. They chose. They had their own conscious to fight with. I was forced against my will to come here, and now I can't go back.

"Lightning, how do you feel about leaving this place for a little bit?"

I glance up at that. "You mean I'm allowed to now?" I ask, making sure sarcasm is loaded in my voice.

He nods once. "Accompanied by another, at least until your training is complete. How would you feel about leaving with me and taking a walk? The fresh air may do you some good."

What the hell? What've I got to lose? "All right, fine. Where to?"

He points at the tray and says, "Eat up and get dressed. If you don't eat all of that, I'll be forced to take you out to eat in public."

I scowl. The last thing I want is for the rest of the world to think I'm dating this guy, or something. I grab the edges of the tray and pull it to my lap. "Fine. I'll eat."

"Good," he says, then does the last thing I expected. He smiles. Not just a slight quirk of the lips, but a full-on smile. He's always so serious all the time. I didn't think he had the proper muscles in his face to smile.

…

Half an hour later, I'm dressed in black jeans and a matching jacket while standing outside Bahamut's office. I raise a hand and knock, then wait while his footsteps scuffle on the other side and the door opens. He offers a quick smile, then gestures down the hall for me to lead the way. He doesn't talk much, but he manages to get his intentions across pretty clearly.

As we reach the sitting room with a majority of the rest of the household inside, Bahamut says, "I'm taking Lightning outside for a breath of fresh air. Prishe is in charge while I'm gone."

I raise an eyebrow at the combination of how his face is suddenly stoic again and his choice in second-in-command. The girl is insane. I mean, I could see Cecil or Cloud as being a better leader. Whatever. Not my choice. I sigh and follow the leader out the door, holding a hand up to shield my eyes from the sun. It's been six years since I've been outside in the sun. Can you blame me?

As soon as we're outside, I fall into step next to him and tuck my hands into the pockets of my coat by reflex from the chilly autumn weather. They said it's the middle of October, but, somehow, I forgot how cold it was in the fall. I'll survive. Like he said, it'll do me good to be outside.

His hand snaps out in front of me, stopping me mid-step. A short moment passes in silence before he says, "Please, don't call me 'Bahamut' when out in public like this. Everyone else—namely Prishe—calls me 'Mutt.'"

"Huh." I turn away and look up at the signs to buildings around our home while muttering, "Why not go by that on a regular basis, then?"

"Because it's disrespectful to Bahamut."

"Speaking of Prishe, why is she your second-in-command?" May as well. No harm in asking, right?

He chuckles lightly and says, "Because not only is she my closest friend in our squad of bonded, but she's also the longest bonded besides myself. She's been bonded to Zalera for almost fifteen years now."

I raise an eyebrow, watching as he turns off the side of the road by a bridge and instead walks down into the soppy riverside. I walk with him, moving at a similar pace a few feet away for comfort. "And how long have you been bonded?"

A light chuckle escapes his lips as he looks up at the dreary grey sky. "Thirty years."

My other eyebrow rises and I ask, "How old are you?"

"Thirty."

What? "You've been bonded your whole life?"

"I was born to be Bahamut's host. My mother was his host before me and, when I was born, he moved to me in favor of the new life. Most Eidolons are, at birth, bonded to humans to learn the world in their hosts' method of choice and they share their powers in exchange. Bahamut is reversed. He takes a newborn human as his host to be reared his way and, in exchange, lets the human have control of their body for the most part."

I nod slowly. I still don't understand most of what's going on around me. All this talk of Eidolons really doesn't make sense. Everyone says it'll make more sense once I have a bond of my own. And, though they haven't said it outright, they've implied that this will be easier to understand once I let go of my past, too. But how…? How can I just let go of Kain? How can I let go of Dullan?

Ever since I first met Kain at the age of eighteen, he's been a huge part of my life. We lived together through most of college, and married the fall after we graduated. September twelfth. That would've been our anniversary. Our wedding was simple, just like the bond we shared. Everything was so easy between us. There wasn't ever the fuss of being super-good-looking or trying to be incredibly witty. We could be ourselves when we were together.

Even his method of proposing was simple. We had been studying in the campus library during the spring semester of our sophomore year. We were crouched over textbooks, cramming for midterms when he silently slid the box with the ring in it across my psych book. Our relationship was easy. We didn't stress over little things, and we didn't blow big things out of proportion.

How can I just let that fade?

"Lightning? Are you all right? You're crying…"

I look up, just realizing I'd stopped in my tracks and had hugged my coat around me. I reach up, gently touching my cheek. Yep. I was crying. I turn away, showing my back to him, and mumble, "Not like you care. It's all from before, anyway."

He reaches out, lightly setting his hand on my shoulder. "I told you this morning. I can't empathize, but I sympathize. I want to help you clear your conscience. This isn't your fault, and you shouldn't have to suffer alone."

I keep my back turned, staring blankly at the gate to the underground waterway a few paces away. "I don't know how to let them go."

His hand grips comfortingly, offering a meager form of support. "I want to be your friend, Lightning. I want to help you through this."

I turn slowly, finally locking my eyes with his. "How? How can I get over him? For the past eternity, my hazy memories of him were all I had to keep me sane. His smiling face was my anchor. I held onto the hope that I could return home as long as I remembered him. Now, I finally do wake up, and I find he's long since forgotten about me and moved on with some other woman. How am I supposed to feel?"

He sighs lightly and lets his shoulders fall in defeat. "No one said he forgot you. Yes, he moved on, but he no doubt loves you still. If it had been me, I know I could never forget you."

I let my gaze drop to stare at the murky water by our feet. "Is that supposed to comfort me?"

"I don't say these things to comfort you. I say it because it is truth, and I believe the truth will ease your suffering."

I shake my head. I don't want to have this conversation… Not here, not like this. "We should head back, shouldn't we?"

He manages a short nod and gestures back the way we came. We walk in silence for a few minutes and, as we approach the rundown building we call home, his hand reaches out to stop me as he whispers, "I'm your friend. Please, trust me."

I nod once and walk inside, going straight up to my room. I don't need this. We'll see about when I have Odin back. Maybe that will make things easier to understand.

…

I've tried to stop thinking about Kain. Really, I have. I've tried to push those thoughts aside and just try to live. I smile, but I'm pretty sure everyone knows it's fake. I'm trying to get involved. I'm trying to hang out with the others, get to know them better, and learn more about this life.

When I got home from my walk with Bahamut, I crashed for the rest of the day and when I woke, everything just seemed so pointless. It felt like I was just wasting my time, trying to fight this life. There wasn't any good reason to ignore this. It's my life now, right?

Deep down, I know I'll never be able to let go of Dullan and Kain. I'll never be able to forget the day I first held my son in my hands or the moment Kain and I said our 'I do's.' But, for now, I'll live. I'll keep them close, but I'll let them live their lives.

Today, Tifa and I are on our way to the kitchen for lunch. She's chattering away about some big problem that Asura helped her through. Admittedly, I stopped listening about ten minutes ago. My mind just got away from me.

My attention snaps up as motion comes from around the corner and Bahamut comes out, holding his hands together in front of him as if hiding something between his cupped palms. He smiles lightly when he sees me and says, "Ah, just the person I was looking for!"

I raise an eyebrow. "Really?"

He nods and moves his hands closer. "Guess what came through the ethereal postage for you?"

Uh… "Odin?"

He nods again with a slight wink. "Mm-hm. He's all set for the bonding, if you'll just hold your hands out like…" He makes a bunch of odd hand gestures as if he's trying to show me what to do, but doesn't want to part his hands. Finally, he sighs and asks, "Tifa, can you show her what to do?"

She giggles happily and holds her hands out together, cupping them as if trying to hold water in them. "Like this."

Okay… I hold my hands like hers and wait as Bahamut comes closer and gradually shifts to move whatever's in his hands—Odin, I'd guess—to mine. He keeps his palms over my hands, hiding the sight of the Eidolon from my view. Whatever he looks like, he's really warm. A gentle heat is radiating onto my hands now, and it feels so soothing and comfortable.

The leader nods and says, "Now, slowly, _slowly_ bring your hands closer to you, moving Odin right up to your heart."

I start to move, inching my hands closer as he keeps his above mine. I don't get what the big deal is, but whatever. Only once his hands are almost pressed flat against my chest—which I am not all that comfortable with, mind you—does he slip them away, letting me press the entity in my hands into my chest.

Okay, let's try this. Odin? Are you there?

"_Where am I?"_

My name's Lightning. We're bonded now.

I want to yell and scream at him, but Bahamut said he won't remember anything he's done before. He's like a newborn, with no memory of what he's done before. I have to be gentle and treat him like we just met.

"_I see… I am Odin, but it appears you knew that."_

I did. Bahamut told me.

"_I… am not familiar with many things. I look forward to your guidance."_

Sure. That's what being bonded is all about, right?

"_Of course, in return, I will offer my power to you."_

Thank you. Bahamut said we'll get training on how to work together. Are you ready, Odin?

"_As I'll ever be."_

…

Odin and I are sitting on the couch in the main room while everyone else sits around with interest. I shift awkwardly under the sixteen pairs of eyes before Bahamut finally breaks the silence. "You have your Eidolon now. It's time you learned exactly what we do."

It's silent again for a minute, so I ask, "Yes?"

He takes a deep breath from where he leans against the wall casually. "We, as the bonded of Eidolons, are charged with protecting the world from unjust usurpers of power."

I blink. The who in the what where? "What?"

He stands upright and walks a few steps closer, saying, "They don't actually bond with humans, but there are Eidolons who feel they are better off injecting their unlawful influence to those of wealth and power, turning those humans to humanity's nightmare. It is our duty, as the bonded, to make sure those individuals are freed from their imprisonment."

"I still don't follow."

"We track down the tainted Eidolons, then make a move to find all the humans under their influence. If we can get in a close proximity, we can cleanse their minds of ill will and force the other Eidolons from their thoughts forever."

I sit back in the couch and cross my legs comfortably. "…And if you can't get close?"

"We can't properly fight the solo Eidolons, so our only alternative is to keep trying to get close, or kill the humans."

I nod slowly. Somehow, I saw that coming. I knew it wasn't accident that brought Bartz and Jecht back here with blood on their clothes. "So… We're all murderers?"

Tifa takes the slight pause as a cue to speak and says, "We only kill as a last resort. We try absolutely everything else first, and only do so if other human lives are at risk."

All right. So, I'm a bona fide murderer now. Just what I wanted my life to become. "So, now what?"

"Now," Bahamut says, "We start your training. Both you and Odin are new to this, so you will require some instruction on how to use your powers. How to control the potency of your spells, and how to gauge your new strength. It takes time, but if all goes well, you should be on your first mission by next month."

…

It's been long in coming, but the last few weeks have made settling in a lot easier. They were right. Odin does make this whole process easier to understand. He doesn't know what's going on much better than I do, but, somehow, having him here makes it make more sense. I can't explain how or why, but it does. Somehow, I've been able to let Kain go, knowing he's happy. I know I can't ever return to his life like this, anyway. I have a different life to live now. Speaking of…

Hey, Odin?

"_Yes, Lightning?"_

What do you suppose they mean by 'missions'? I mean, do you think they just magic their way inside these people's homes, or…?

"_I cannot say for certain. I suppose we will find out when the day of our first mission arrives."_

Yeah. Guess so.

I look up as a crash sounds from down the hall and Luneth runs by, chased quickly by Vaan and Zidane. It's hard to believe kids can be so content with this kind of life. But what about their parents? Aren't they worried about them? Do these kids kill? Do they have blood on their hands at such young ages? If they do, I swear to god, I'll beat the shit out of Bahamut for letting kids get involved in something like this.

I think I should go have a talk with our leader.

"_Are you sure, Lightning?"_

Yeah. I need to know.

"_You have borne a child of your own, have you not? I assume this protective instinct stems from knowing such a bond as mother and son."_

It does. I know… I know that if things had gone differently and, suddenly, Dullan didn't come home, I'd be searching nonstop for him.

"_I understand. Then let us have words with Bahamut."_

Yes. Let's.

I walk down the hall towards his office and knock at the door, waiting until his voice sounds with a brief, "Come in."

I push the door open and walk inside, raising my eyebrow at the sight of the laptop set up in front of him. He closes the lid with a slight nod of greeting and, when he catches my expression, says, "Ramuh charges a generator for electricity. Ifrit and Shiva take turns keeping the temperature moderate throughout the year." His face alters to show a welcoming upturn of his lips. "Now, what can I do for you?"

I drop down into one of the chairs opposite his desk and inhale deeply. "I have a question, and I don't know how you'll take it."

He nods and leans back, slipping his hands back into their favorite positions in his pockets. "Very well. I'm listening."

"It's about the before. Kind of." I lean forward to rest my forearms on my knees and sigh. "Why did you let kids get involved in this? Don't you think their parents are worried about them? I mean, look at Luneth. He can't be older than fifteen."

He nods, a slight smile on his lips, and replies, "Luneth is fourteen. He's the youngest here and, no, I don't condone children getting involved in matters like this. As for his parents…"

"What? Did you do something to them?"

"No, no… Nothing of the sort. You see, Luneth… He doesn't have any parents. He's an orphan. He grew up in an orphanage and never knew his mother or father. Carbuncle chose him because he was a lonely, miserable soul. Here, he has family. I take care in making sure he doesn't see any violence beyond healthy youthful roughhousing."

I nod slowly. "But what about the others? Tifa told me she came here at fourteen. Is she an orphan, too?"

"Lightning," he says, his voice laced with sternness as he stands. "It's not my place to get into everyone's back story. Just know that their lives are happier here and whatever family they have left know not to look for them."

"Okay. Fine." I stand and turn for the door. "If you ever had kids, you'd know it hurts just to think about losing them."

He walks around his desk and reaches out, setting his hand on my shoulder. "Please, Lightning. Don't take this the wrong way. Eidolons not tainted by power search for hosts based on who needs to have their life turn around. They don't pluck children from happy families with love and warmth on all sides. They take them from cold, desolate homes where the only human contact they receive is a backhand from an inebriated parent. The look to save lives, not ruin them."

I turn, shifting to look him in the eye. "You swear to me that's true?"

He nods. "On my life's blood."

"All right, then."

"Did you want to discuss anything else?" He breaks into a light chuckle and shakes his head. "I sound so formal, don't I? I enjoy talking to you, Lightning, and I would like to know you better. The real you. Not the one I've known for the past six years."

"Okay. I've got nothing better to do." May as well, right? Maybe I can understand him a bit better, too. Might be a good idea to actually make friends with the leader.

* * *

><p>Not so much of a cliffie here. Hope you all enjoyed!<p>

Please review!

-Valk


End file.
